Caring for a loved one with OCD
OCD is scary. It’s confusing. It’s debilitating. It’s frustrating. It’s all-consuming. They are only a few words I would use to even start to describe it. It can feel a little (or a lot!) like this….. WTF is going on in my brain.
Whilst we have a very educated world, there remains to be a limited awareness of the scope of OCD and the impacts it can have on people’s lives. Also, how we, as family, carers, friends, can support our loved ones through this. OCD can often creep up on us, impact more areas of our lives than we realise and leave us scrabbling for answers and quick fixes.
Whilst I am a psychotherapist, I still face this when someone very close to me begans to present with OCD. I wanted to write this, incorporating both a professional and personal perspective, with the aim to give you some insight and hope in a time that can feel truly overwhelming. With the best will in the world, we cannot take OCD away from our loved ones. We can only try to support them to understand, manage and overcome this.
When OCD presents itself in your life, it can feel as though any advice we may have given out previously, just seems to not fit the bill. This can be regardless of the amount of knowledge you may have; whether that is through ‘Dr. Google’, shared information, formal learning, personal experiences etc.
Through both personal and professional experience, I have recognised a number of common themes relating to accessing supporting, engaging in treatment and overall success of outcomes.
Misinformation
In a world fuelled by social media, trends etc, OCD can often be downplayed as just another fad. Being a “control freak”, an “overthinker”, “obsessed with cleaning” are things I used to hear all the time. OCD is so much more than this. The intrusions and compulsions that some people experience with OCD can cause such intense feelings of fear, shame, disgust and overall hopelessness. With some of the subtypes of OCD, they can feel quite taboo and prevent people from accessing support.
If you feel like you have space to do so, try to obtain some factual information on OCD from reputable sources. Ask your loved one if there is anything specific they would like you to understand more. Could you speak to their therapist? Is there a support group you could join? There are also some excellent websites, podcasts and videos that can support with this. One of our founders hosts the weekly podcast, The OCD Stories.
Understanding
We will never truly understand another person’s experience. No one will ever truly understand what you experience. What we can do is, listen, educate ourselves and be honest and open with what we just simply don’t know or don’t understand. If you find yourself becoming frustrated at the situations OCD may be causing, take some time for yourself. Remember that your loved one wants just that from you - love and care. They don’t actually expect you to figure this out for them. Frustration and perceived anger, resulting from feelings of lack of understanding and not being able to fix things, can lead to your loved one feeling increases of guilt and anxiety. Communicate that you are frustrated at OCD, not the individual themselves.
Listen first. Then act…or don’t!
This was a big one for me – ironically! I am naturally a ‘fixer’ and very solution focused in my personal life. I found myself saying things like “oh come on you know that won’t happen”, “it’s just your anxiety talking”. I would hear others say things like “how ridiculous, just get rid of that thought”, “stop thinking like that”. Let me tell you, if someone with OCD could just stop thinking, they would.
In the lighter moments my loved one would make jokes about wishing it was a case of “oh you’re just being a neat freak” or things were as simple as “well you’re not going to do something bad, so it makes no sense”. Precisely. OCD can just make no sense. It seems totally irrational. That can lead you to feeling frustrated because how could someone you love not just see how irrational all of this is. You can rarely say the right things and often what you do say, can just cause further tensions between you and your loved one. I learnt that actually just listening, being comforting and asking what the other person needs, rather than assuming, helped to manage the situation much more positively.
Supporting through the treatment process
The OCD recovery journey can feel like a bit of a long slog at times. You may observe some amazing progress, sticking points and sometimes even feel like nothing is changing. Stay hopeful. Even when you may not truly believe it, your loved one will be looking to you for this.
Be gentle but have boundaries! Both with your loved one, and yourself. When someone is in the midst of OCD, or any anxiety disorder for that matter, reassurance seeking is rife. It acts as a temporary relief, but actually, it maintains the difficulties in the long-term. OCD can be debilitating and seep into all areas of an individual, and their wider support networks life. Take time to look after yourself too. You won’t be much help to someone if you are burnt-out.
Ask your loved one is there anything you can support them with outside of the therapeutic environment. Do they have any tasks to complete? Have they learnt anything new that you can remind them of on the difficult days? Do they need some support in developing a life outside of OCD that you could help them with such as getting involved in a new hobby?
Recovery is never a simple, straight road. I like to view any bumps in the road as opportunities to learn more. What has caused this? What do I know has helped before that we could try? What do we need to work a bit more on? At the end of the day, knowledge (correct knowledge!), really is power.
My goal as a therapist is to empower people to become their own therapists. OCD is one part of a person’s journey. Even after OCD, life still happens and things can come to rock our boats. If we already understand ourselves and have developed a ‘toolkit’ of coping strategies, the difficult times in life can be much less impactful.
I am not saying that this is going to be as simple as reading this post, getting support and things seem better. You will be your loved one’s safety net for some time, and it really can take time. However, through consistent support, they will become empowered to get out of their minds, and back into their lives once again.
Be there for your loved one, encourage them to put into practice what they have learnt and remember that you cannot go around recovery, you must go through it.
It is important to highlight that whilst there are common themes, experiences of OCD are individual and the treatment process can vary. Whilst there are unfortunately no quick fixes for OCD, there is support out there. I really do encourage you to seek support. OCD can feel hopeless and isolating, but you are not alone. Life can get brighter for you, and your loved ones.
